Wednesday, December 19, 2007

My True Love Gave To Me

On December 1, 2007, I asked my Parenthetically Speaking readers for haikus about an item "My True Love Gave To Me..." As always, they delivered.

snowelf said...
gave to me...
My own personal chef!!!

Bless you Chef Pierre!
No longer will I have to
Ever cook again!

Scary Monster said...
gave to me...
a kiss.

Lips love happiness.
Strange truth heard when leaves fell.
The green Monster stomped.

G-Man said...
gave to me...
A smile..

Smile for me Sherry,
I love making you happy,
And I always will

ThatGreenyFlower said...
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a solar-powered self-cleaning bathroom!

Efficient bathroom,
Fragrant, pristine, fabulous
Fun to pee in here!

Charles said...
a life of waiting to find her.

Waiting to find her,
My life's longing for true love.
Guess self love will do.

Mona said...
a night of sleep in his arms...

Promise I won't move,
Disturbing you is not my wish,
Bury me in the morn.

All I Want For Christmas

On December 18, 2007, my readers at Parenthetically Speaking wrote rhyming verses on "All I Want For Christmas Is..."

G-Man said...
Santa pulls in on the reins and yells,
"Slow down Blitzen."
Heres a box of smiles,
For a Red-Headed Vixen,
This one's been good,
So she gets more than toys.
The box says ... "Santa sure loves his Serena Joy!"

/t. said...
santa man
travel for miles and miles
and the santa man
deliver boxes of smiles
santa man
go for the girl and boy
but the santa man
come for the serena joy

¤ ¤ ¤

Kanrei said...
All I want for Christmas is a single day off
Free from fighting and skirmish, sarcasm and scoff
Free from worry and wonder and empty dreams not come true
Free from excess and waste, but not free of you
For what good would it be to have off that day
And have not a soul to which you could say
“Merry Christmas, happy holidays,” and have a big smile
And make Santa worry what you’re up to for a while.

/t. said...
the santa man
be naughty and nice
throw you back once
and come for you twice

¤ ¤ ¤

Charles said...
For Christmases I want not a present.
Instead give me a Democrat for President.
Give me peace and a strong economy,
High petrol prices, No, not me.
A turn from the ignorance,
A public not in a trance.
A public aware of the tricks that are played.
A bevy of products, American made.

Serena Joy said...
Santa baby, what would it take
To get an original, never a fake?
Forget the presents stacked in piles,
All I want for Christmas is a box of smiles!

Kanrei said...
Dear Mister Santa Claus,
I know this time of year is rough
But I have somethings to ask for
And I cannot emphasize enough
The importance of every detail
To my monumental Christmas Day request
And it's not to say I don't appreciate
Last year's olive and lavender silk vest
Its just that I know something,
Something that, if quite true
Could cause quite a bit of damage to the rep
Of a Saintly person-type person, like you
Now the details are kind of fuzzy
But this still is a laugh riot
Cause it seems that dear Saint Nick
You are a toy making pirate
The toys you make all year
In your sweatshop of a store
All have brand names you don't own
And I have plenty more
Those elves who you work,
Who slave day and night
Are really just “bad” kids
Or those who didn't sit on your lap just right
Oh the shame it would cause
If ever this got out
The children would cry
So the parents would pout
And all this distress
would add to the suicide rate
And the lawsuits would come in
Too fast to contemplate
So I think it would be best
If, between just you and me
I get what I asked for
And that's the last you'll hear from me.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

On: Gaudy Christmas Lights

On November 24, 2007, my Parenthetically Speaking readers were asked to write verses about gaudy Christmas light displays. Boy, did they ever deliver!

G-Man said...
Christmas time is such a thrill,
I'm glad I'm not a Jew.
But if I did celebrate Hannukah, I could give 8 gifts to YOU!!

Gifts of gold and silver,
Food that makes you fat,
A little bit of this,
And a whole lot of THAT!!

Camille Alexa said...
'Twas the month before Christmas', when all through the 'hood,
Not a creature could see shite, try as they would;
The Fitzes strung garlands on the bushes without care
For the many other people who had to live there;
Though retinas were protected behind tightly shut lids,
Neighborhood parents still were compelled to shield kids,
Not from blinding lights which offended directly,
But from the neighbors' inability to use an apostrophe correctly.

Scary Monster said...
Christmas - the Musical.

Wifey: Too bad Christmas comes, but once a year…
Hubby: We’ll stretch it out, love. Have no fear.
Wifey: The lights and reindeer I so adore.
Hubby: Why stop at twelve days. When there’s much, much more.
Wifey: Twenty? Thirty? Sixty-four?

The lights stay on all night and day.
Christmas feeling everyday.
The electric company loves us, Yes they do. You bet.
When they send us a bill matching the national debt!

VE said...
On the 60th day before Christmas
My materialistic neighbors let me see
1400 Christmas bulbs a-blinking
350 Elves a-drinking
9 reindeer rotating
8 grinches infiltrating
7 Christmas Trees a-glowing
6 tons of flock a-blowing
5 gaudy wreaths
4 neon bells
3 wise men
2 nativity scenes
And a 14 foot plastic Santa on their Chimney

Romulus Crowe said...

‘Twas three months before Christmas and all through the store,
The shelves were all laden with garbage galore.
Cheap tinsel and tat, much chocolate and fat,
Among them, a lone cut-price Halloween bat.

The shoppers’ eyes glazed to see such devices,
Plastic and tinfoil at jewellery prices.
A tree made of something that grew in no ground,
A Santa that chuckles, big, red and round.

They spend, they buy, they store it away.
A fortune to ready themselves for The Day.
To deck out the house all in flammable frills,
Then candles, to add to those Christmas-risk thrills.

And when all is spent, the wrappings all torn,
And all of the people sit fat and forlorn,
Amid the spread wreckage of Christmas’s dinner,
The turkey’s the only one who’s looking slimmer.

Now Santa’s broad smile looks much more like a sneer,
He’s burned out, he’s run out of Christmas-time cheer,
His red suit is fading, his batteries weary,
His once cheery laughter now nothing but eerie.

While in the high towers the Suits count their money,
And give thanks to Mammon, the cash-counter’s honey,
‘Religion is wonderful’ they cry in wonder,
And fill up their pockets with seasonal plunder.

Give thought at this time to wise old Ebenezer,
The man they called Scrooge had the clever idea,
To hold back his cash from the corporate thug,
And greet every one with a cheery ‘Humbug’.

Humbugs of the season to all!

On: Oversleeping

On November 13, 2007, my Parenthetically Speaking readers were assigned to write haikus on the subject of "late to work." They produced some terrific results.

G-Man said...
Virginia Girls
Are infectiously clever!
Except with their Brakes!

Redhead oh so frail,
Except when she is pissed off.
"May I use your Gun?"

Stuck at home again.
What was that bastard thinking?
I need a smoke ... NOW!

VE said...
This is a real pain
Counting all my syllables
Now I'm late for work!

ThatGreenyFlower said...
Fixing my hair seems
Like so much fun when work waits.
Uh-oh, late again.

Paperwork stacked high,
Tension rising...Oh, let's see
What Sherry posted!

Running late, and no
Coffee to drink. What a bad
Day this has become.

Work will still be there
No matter how late I am.
Gotta pay the bills.

Charles said...
If I had a job,
I'd not be late to get there,
To earn my money now.

Scary Monster said...
The morning sunshine
Warmed and slowed my hectic soul
The timecard will wait.

Scary Monster said...
Beckoned back to bed
Time, waiting on corner
Morning passed with you.

Pink said...
Late train to Waterloo
Northern line stopped in tunnel
An ad for Thailand above

Corn Dog said...
Work. Who needs the mess?
Underpaid and overworked.
Snooze button again.

Rain broken alarms
Hungry dogs wrecked cars missed buses
Work can wait for these.

Sling said...
Hit the snooze button.
Just nine more minutes won't hurt.
Crap! I'm late again.

On: Household Calamities

On November 10, 2007, I asked my readers at Parenthetically Speaking for limericks on the subject of "roughing it."

puerileuwaite said...
There once was a Pug from the Southwest,
Looking for redheads to molest.
So he posed as a tradesman,
And he then barged his way in,
Now he's under arrest.

G-Man said...
Sherry is so darn delectable,
She likes her gentlemen smart and erectable,
But a fellow named Junior
Went and nearly ruined her
For all men, and some things electrical!

Charles said...
I'm glad I don't live in a house.
Working on them makes me a grouse.
Like mowing the yard,
Every weekend is hard.
You likely think me a louse.

ThatGreenyFlower said...
There once was a girlie named Greeny
Who was such a D-I-Y queenie,
Neighbors quickly said, "Hi,"
Running timidly by
(For her house was a little bit leany).

Camille Alexa said...
Serena Joy has a calamity:
Her house is the horror of Amity
Her lights have all gone
She's been a wild one
And in general has felt quite gawddammity

NYD said...
A carpenter whose nickname was Dwight.
Had a tool belt he kept fastened tight.
He whipped out his level,
For Serena to revel.
With his hammer, she knocked his nuts way outta sight.

MONA said...
There was a lady from Durban,
Who house worked till she became so thin
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped right through the straw and fell in.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

On: Zombie Sex

On November 27, 2007, the topic was "zombie sex." I asked for limericks, and I got them in spades.

There once was a witch with an ex,
Used poisons, potions and a hex,
She loved his love making skill,
So she finished him with a kill,
Now the relationship's about Zombie sex.
- Charles

Thinking about life with the ex
And building our disinterest vortex
The nights were the worst
Just bring in the Hertz
After our obligatory zombie sex
- Varient E

Zombie sex after the soul's sent to hell,
Struck him as totally swell,
Now she's not willing,
and his drinkings more like swilling,
To take his mind off of the smell.
- Charles

Sing it like an Irish ditty!
Mc Tavish is dead
and his brother don't know it
His brother is dead
and Mc Tavish don't know it.
Both of them dead
and in the same bed
and neither one knows that the other is dead.
- Roxan

There once was a Haitian named Fred.
That died years ago, it is said.
But by the light of the Moon,
All the local girls swoon,
Because his Pecker is far from 'undead'!!
- G-man

A dead Rusian named Romanov,
Drooling like the dog of Pavlov,
..Said to the she-zombie Alexia,
.."I was gonna have sex with ya,
But that part has fallen off."
- Hale McKay