Sunday, December 16, 2007

On: Gaudy Christmas Lights

On November 24, 2007, my Parenthetically Speaking readers were asked to write verses about gaudy Christmas light displays. Boy, did they ever deliver!

G-Man said...
Christmas time is such a thrill,
I'm glad I'm not a Jew.
But if I did celebrate Hannukah, I could give 8 gifts to YOU!!

Gifts of gold and silver,
Food that makes you fat,
A little bit of this,
And a whole lot of THAT!!

Camille Alexa said...
'Twas the month before Christmas', when all through the 'hood,
Not a creature could see shite, try as they would;
The Fitzes strung garlands on the bushes without care
For the many other people who had to live there;
Though retinas were protected behind tightly shut lids,
Neighborhood parents still were compelled to shield kids,
Not from blinding lights which offended directly,
But from the neighbors' inability to use an apostrophe correctly.

Scary Monster said...
Christmas - the Musical.

Wifey: Too bad Christmas comes, but once a year…
Hubby: We’ll stretch it out, love. Have no fear.
Wifey: The lights and reindeer I so adore.
Hubby: Why stop at twelve days. When there’s much, much more.
Wifey: Twenty? Thirty? Sixty-four?

Chorus:
The lights stay on all night and day.
Christmas feeling everyday.
The electric company loves us, Yes they do. You bet.
When they send us a bill matching the national debt!

VE said...
On the 60th day before Christmas
My materialistic neighbors let me see
1400 Christmas bulbs a-blinking
350 Elves a-drinking
9 reindeer rotating
8 grinches infiltrating
7 Christmas Trees a-glowing
6 tons of flock a-blowing
5 gaudy wreaths
4 neon bells
3 wise men
2 nativity scenes
And a 14 foot plastic Santa on their Chimney

Romulus Crowe said...

‘Twas three months before Christmas and all through the store,
The shelves were all laden with garbage galore.
Cheap tinsel and tat, much chocolate and fat,
Among them, a lone cut-price Halloween bat.

The shoppers’ eyes glazed to see such devices,
Plastic and tinfoil at jewellery prices.
A tree made of something that grew in no ground,
A Santa that chuckles, big, red and round.

They spend, they buy, they store it away.
A fortune to ready themselves for The Day.
To deck out the house all in flammable frills,
Then candles, to add to those Christmas-risk thrills.

And when all is spent, the wrappings all torn,
And all of the people sit fat and forlorn,
Amid the spread wreckage of Christmas’s dinner,
The turkey’s the only one who’s looking slimmer.

Now Santa’s broad smile looks much more like a sneer,
He’s burned out, he’s run out of Christmas-time cheer,
His red suit is fading, his batteries weary,
His once cheery laughter now nothing but eerie.

While in the high towers the Suits count their money,
And give thanks to Mammon, the cash-counter’s honey,
‘Religion is wonderful’ they cry in wonder,
And fill up their pockets with seasonal plunder.

Give thought at this time to wise old Ebenezer,
The man they called Scrooge had the clever idea,
To hold back his cash from the corporate thug,
And greet every one with a cheery ‘Humbug’.

Humbugs of the season to all!

3 comments:

Hale McKay said...

I must have missed that post with the request. Here's one of my parodies that fits the bill.

Tangled Lights
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Thrashing through the box
For a working set of lights
I could smash em with rocks
Cursing with all my might.
Lights on tangled strings
I tug, pull and I jerk
What hell it is to find a string
That maybe just might work.

~(chorus:)~

Tangled lights, tangled lights,
Tangled all the way,
Oh how I'd like to find
One working set to display.
O,Tangled lights, tangled lights,
Tangled all the way,
Oh what fun it is to find Just one that works today.

An hour or so ago
I thought I'd write a blog
And soon Miss Cellania might
Add a link to her site.
The words are mean and rank
The torture seemed my lot,
Blew a fuse, my poor heart sank
I need some booze and pot.

~(chorus:)~

Now the lights are aglow
Come see 'em if you will,
I'll charge admission so
I can pay the electric bill.
Next year I think I'll buy
A set,two or three or four
I'll put them up in July
And take them down no more!

~(chorus:)~

Charles said...

Ah CRAP! I missed this one, too. I'll resist the temptation to do it here. There's always next year, if we make it that long without the Administration making this sort of thing illegal, or having fires in restricted to single rooms that only conveniently destroy things that might hold incriminating evidence of their activities.

Matia said...

Interesting to know.